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01 October 2010

12:51 p.m.

I haven't blogged in a while eh? heh..

well, i just wanna vent a little cuz ever since september, i guess i've been losing myself. i'm so lost right now and i feel like i'm at rock bottom. it's so dark and i can't see a thing. i sinned so much and still continueing and i can't stop. what am i to be in a position like this right now? i mean, i'm a PATH leader, a Service leader and a Retreat leader. these things, it's all God related, yet...uh... i don't even know anymore. just thinking about it is giving me migraine.

like eveynight, i swear, there hasn't been any nights that i know of that i slept peacefully. every single night i cry because i'm so mad about everything. i'm so damn angry about my family that i have thoughts that i just want to kill my brother, my stepmom and sister. they fucking piss me off like hell! i seriously don't want to have anything to do with them.

that bitch always make it seem that i did something wrong whenever she talks to me. i swear that her tone of voice always changes whenever she's talking to me. it's as if i did something wrong when i actually didn't. heck, i don't even talk to that bitch anymore unless she wants me to do something. that woman has a fucking trust issue cuz she really can't trust me. liek i know she has a fucking beef with my mom but she has to throw it at me? what the fuck did i ever do to you? seriously, like you don't even try to understand me or anything and you expect me to understand you. you don't even know who i fucking am. you don't even bother minding how i feel. you just keep ordering and bitching at me especially when you're stressed. like what the fuck is that? i did nothing. you always make me seem like the villan and you can't even look at yourself. you took my voice away, and cuz of that i can't speak for myself, i can't stand up for myself, i can't defend myself. you always make me feel so small and not worthy like i'm just some extra person living in the house. don't i have a right to say what i want and do what i want? you make me feel so weak that i just wanna fucking kill you. you're telling me to help aiz when she needs it but you just always end up saying that i'm always wrong and shit. like seriously, i'm the one trying so hard to be the best person i can be, when you can't even do that to yourself. you don't even co-operate with me, and like you tell me YFC is just bullshit and i learn nothing from it? i'm seriously fucking trying ok!? like i already don't talk to you so i can avoid getting into nonsense trouble yet when you talk to me, it's as if i did something wrong. like what the hell is that? you're such a bitch and i fucking hate you. i restrained so much on so many things because of you. i don't even get every single thing that i want because of you, even the smallest things.

and like you should really mind your fucking business cuz my business is not yours. and stop babying anton. i know he's another bitch cuz he got his perosnality from you but you're just adding stress to yourself. liek fucking leave us alone. we're fucking teenagers! i know he's hard to handle but the way you approach him is not even the right way. you say that you raise but you didn't. the fucking maids did you dumbass! you don't even know him! as much of a bitch he is, mind your fucking business ok? you're not always right. infact you're always WRONG! you think you know everything but you don't. and if you could just look in the fucking mirror and reflect who you are and what you've said and done since you moved in with my family, you'd be doing us all a favour. you fucking hypocrite, go die.

and it's not like this can be well after i say something to papa. nothing changes, EVER. so there's no point in telling papa cuz he fucking does nothing.

i feel so fucking small and weak. everytime i cry there's an instant migraine that i feel. i can't concentrate on my school work and a good rest because of this. i just want to get out of this house and run away. i can't even pray for myself. i lost my faith and what on earth is that? like i'm a fucking Faith Representative for my class, and a fucking retreat leader and i lost my faith? i can't even see God anymore, i feel so blind. i'm so drowned in the dark that i can't see no light. i'm too caught up with school work i don't even have time to pray and pay attention to God. and if i do pray it's just empty words. there's so much more i want to say but i can't because everything is too bottled in tightly. i want to talk but i can't. i'm losing my talk, and because of that i can't ask for help. and i just really need someone to pray for me.

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Jean Duh Lion (jea)
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feb3 1693
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